2005: Year in Review, Part 2

Musically, 2005 was really a step forward for music that sounds exactly like it is from 1984.  This being said, my pick for the best album of the year would be Wolf Parade: Apologies for Queen Mary.  This is a really amazing piece of work and it's the only album that came out this year that I could pretty much listen to all the way through (minus the first track).  So, if you haven't heard it, go listen to it.  It's delightful.

But no one really cares about my musical opinion.  What is better, though, is my hypothetical musical opinion.  So here is the Top 10 Albums I Would Have Really Liked in 2005:

10. Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
I honestly don't have anything against Fiona Apple, but I am not a rape victim or an anorexic, so I've never really been drawn to Fiona Apple.

9. Out Hud – Let Us Never Speak of It Again
Actually, I listened to this a couple of times and I just wanted to include it because I think this is one of the worst albums I've ever heard.  Out Hud is mind numbing and bad.  It's a good to dance to if you are really fucked up and just went harpooning for your ear drums with needles.

8. Silver Jews - The Tanglewood Numbers
This has Stephen Malkmus in it, so I should have loved it.  But I'm just so anti-Semitic.

7. Animal Collective - Feels
I listened to this once and I decided it was not for me.  But if I was a man of aural endurance, I could have forced myself to change my tastes and used my knowledge of this album to impress skinny indie rock boys into letting me fist them.

6. The Mountain Goats - The Sunset Tree
The only reason I could think of why I would have really liked this album is that it has an animal in it's name and I like Wolf Parade, Modest Mouse and the Unicorns.

5. Tom Vek: We Have Sound
I never listened to this because no Torrent file could be found and I'm broke.  However, iTunes Music Store had clips, of course, and this sounded very Nintendo-ey.  Which is fine for a Nintendo.

4. The Decemberists- Picaresque
I just downloaded this, since BitTorrent was not being forth coming (again) with it until last week, so maybe I could still squeeze it in before the end of the year.  But if not, I'm sure I would have liked it considering EVERYONE name dropped it.

3. The Clientele- Strange Geometry
I tried to listen to it but everyone describe it as psychedelic and heavily melodic.  Which sounds well and good, but I already have all of the Flaming Lips albums'.

2. Deerhoof- Four Runners
I could really see this in my collection, but mostly because the album cover looks suspiciously like the Wolf Parade cover:





1. Art Brut:  Bang Bang Rock & Roll
Again, I did actually listen to this once.  After one go around, though, I was not impressed.  I probably should have listened to it again considering I was told to love it by every music website, specifically Lord Pitchfork with reviews so glowing they must be trying to rectally slide the CD inside themselves:
"See if you can follow this: Art Brut, through their thoroughly unpretentious embrace of pretentiousness, are the most punk new band I've heard in years, punk having lost itself long ago to the pretentiousness of unpretentiousness."
Shut up.

2005: Year In Review

2005 was a really important year.  Why?  Because this year painful, non-caring ass fucking become mainstream.  The Movie of the Year (Brokeback Mountain) featured a beautifully filmed and emotionally moving scene of Heath Ledger spitting on his dick and jamming it into Jake Gyllenhaal ass.  There was no kissing, just Jake grunting as Heath drunk-fucked his anus.

Now, not to create too many mental images, but this is frighteningly similar to my ex boyfriend, Kevin (Boyfriend of Year [the default since he was the only boyfriend this year]).   While we never allowed barebacking or spit lubing, Kevin was very fond of drinking to the point of getting more stupid than he already was ( Dumbass of the Year), getting super horny (Rim-Jobber of the Year), and trying to force his penis in me (Pseudo-Rapist of the Year ).  While this could be fun, unfortunately Kevin was so completely and utterly self-absorbed (Drama Queen of the Year, Egotist of the Year, Man-Child of the Year) that it never occurred to him that his pleasure would be causing me the most HORRIBLE pain.  Especially when he wouldn't ask first or even check to make sure "systems are go."

However, painfully getting anally fucked was also on display on the news media.  After Hurricane Katrina, the public was inundated with images of how Bush (Asshole of the Year ) is like a drunk painfully fucking the poor and the black over and over again.

2005: Way to go anal.

Comments

Oh my god!  Someone posted a comment on my blog!  Holy Shit!  I was totally going to fake-post comments on my blog but this is way better!  That is the best christmas gift I got this year!  Which is kind of true, sadly.

Drunk and Sexy

So this LA Times story (from Gawker) talks about the difficulty in simply stopping your social drinking and how not drinking helps you to work out.  I think this is unfair, focusing on the challenges of abstaining as a social drinker.  But what about us crying-in-our-rooms, wishing-life-was-more-than-this, listening-to-Elliott-Smith non-social drinkers?  It's just as hard for us to stop (even though it's not a real problem) too.

Speaking of, I was briefly discussing with a friend yesterday if drinking was making us fat.  My friend thought so and I simply chalked it up to eating crappy holiday food and not exercising because it's cold (and not bullshit-40-degrees cold, but below freezing cold in New York for two weeks now).  Of course the instructor from the above article says that not drinking helps your workout.  Well, I challenge that idea.  I believe drinking during a workout would be beneficial.  I would totally consider working out if I could develop some sort of chemical dependency around it.   Anyway, here are some stats on how much those drinks are fucking up your calories:

Can/Bottle Beer: 117
Glass of Wine: 79
1 oz. of Gin, Rum, Vodka or Whiskey: 64

There are more lists (with things like Pina Coladas and Whiskey Sours) but I haven't been able to afford those since I was in High School.

Calorie-count.com

Brokeback Mountain

I saw Brokeback Mountain the day it came out in the East Village.  My friends and I were accompanied by a theatre full of gay men and only four women.  It was amazing and weird.  So with this being said, it was like being in a middle school classroom getting lectured about "Penis goes into the vagina."  Half of the guys were giggling or hissing, which is to be expected with 200 gay men, but it also sort of stunts a little bit of your emotional reaction to the movie.  I mean, I felt bad for Michelle Williams' character but it's hard to feel really bad for her when she sees her husband making out with another dude when the entire theatre starts screaming "Ooooohhhh Shit Girl!" and starts laughing.  Me included, of course.  

And because of the gays (disposable income!), the movie made a whopping amount of cash.  Of course, there were tons of couples at the movie.  Good for them.  But the downside to seeing a movie in a theatre full of gay couples is the overwhelming feeling that you are single.  The downside to seeing Brokeback Mountain in a theatre full of gay couples is the overwhelming feeling that you are going to die alone.

Which may or may not be true.

Brokeback Mountain also got nominated for 7 Golden Globes.  But I want to make special note here not of Ang Lee, Michelle Williams or Heath Ledger's nominations but of the two music nominations.  The "Best Original Score" of the movie is setting appropriate but really really bad.  Honestly, every time that fucking lilty little guitar piece came on, I cringed.  I cringed more at that score than when imagining getting fucked in the ass without lube when it happened in the movie.

And there is something else that got nominated that mystifies me: Best Original Song, "Love Will Never Grow Old" by Bernie Taupin.  Is this the fucking lilty guitar piece?  And what is this name?  Love Will Never Grow Old?  My ass.  The movie proved that love will grow old, and very clearly.  First of all, Jake Gyllenhaal grows an ugly mustache as your love grows old.  What else happens?  You fight, a lot, as love grows old.  And apparently you live in a prolonged state of sadness and misery with some intermittent "high altitude fucks."  Which is essentially what my life is now without love.

Now I'm not feeling so bad about being single.

Morning Cup

Okay, okay, okay.  So the secret is out about the Fecca-cino.  I was really hoping that no one would find out.  But yes, all gay men really love shit-based coffee.  Who spilled the beans, so to speak?  Westboro, or GodHatesFags.com, in a press release!  Really, I don't argue with them too much, God might actually hate fags for this one.  I mean drinking shit coffee is really gross and the fags just love it.  I mean, I know so many guys that drink that stuff.  And considering there is a Starbucks on every corner, who really can resist the fecca-cino?



Speaking of homo proclivities, the gay group sex at the Jay Street-Borough Hall station got busted before I could join in! 



Damnit!  All the good things keep closing. Including: CBGB's!  Finally, the hollow, former shell of a cool venue is closing.   I just hope a new place will open up where I can hear bad New Jersey metal bands play.

Good As You
Gothamist

Colors

I'm frantically fiddling with the color scheme for this.  If you don't like Red, Black and White, you may hate what I've done and what I'm going to do.

LAMBDA to Sodomize Oklahoma Marriage Ban

I will never move back to Oklahoma.  There are a number of reasons for this but my favorite one is that about 76% of Oklahomans voted for the gay marriage ban that not only banned gay marriage but also banned gay adoption, civil unions AND made it a misdemeanor to issue a marriage liscense to same-sex couples.

"parental rights are given exceptional deference in U.S. constitutional law, and considered fundamental. Any law that burdens parental authority must theoretically be justified by a compelling state interest. Oklahoma's House Media Division explained that passing the ban on recognizing gay adoptive families would "protect Oklahoma children from being targeted for adoption by gay couples across the nation," and "ensure that children are raised in traditional family environments."

Lawsuit targets Okla. anti-gay adoption law (Gay.com)

iTunes Vintage TV

Well this morning I opened iTunes hoping that there would be another new, shitty Bloc Party single or EXCLUSIVE!! LIVE!! track from the arcade fire or death from above 1979, but instead I was greeted by David Hasslehoff's bulge:

(Not the iTunes photo, unfortunately)
Anyway, if you don't remember, Nightrider really changed the TV drama landscape.  Not since Herbie had there been a car that was so compelling a character.  Kitt really spoke to a generation (literally) and the episode where he began huffing gasoline was the best anti-drug episode ever put on TV.  Brilliant drama, now just $1.99 per episode.  Thank you Apple.



Apple
MacRumors

Brooklyn Bars

Seeing as the (L) trian shuts down past Lorimer this weekend, all weekend, it seems like I should once again point out the superiority of Brooklyn Bars vs. Manhattan Bars.  Now, obviously, I'm biased since there will be six weekends were I really don't have a choice in terms of staying in Brooklyn (and i'm not braving the walk down Flushing to the (J) train again).

So first of all, Brooklyn Bars have deals.  There is of course Capones and the Alligator Lounge which not only have reasonably priced beer but free pizza.  I seriosuly doubt Luke & Leroys gives you anything free besides herpes.
I must stress, though, that it is just flat out cheaper in Brooklyn.  Beer still runs around $4 to $5 and there is always the optional PBR which can run as low as $3.  Now consider that Rififi and Lit raised their prices recently and there really is no reason to deal with the dick doormen at these bars.

The most important thing, though, is that Manhattan is crushing under the weight of New Jersey.
Places that were once fun are now shitty, like Lit.  Supreme Trading seems like it could eventually take over what Lit once was, assuming they get a DJ who will play different songs from week to week.  And Rififi was fun for a while but don't expect to start dancing anytime soon.  The East Village IS NOT A SECRET ANYMORE and has sucked in all of the people who normally would have hung out on Bleeker Street.  That means lots of button up white shirts with jeans and any number of items from Mexx.  And to top it all off, there is a slightly-less-creepy-than-Manhattan-gay-bars bar in Brooklyn: The Metropolitan.